The bra has been raised

There are two things in life that I`ll never really understand; bigamy, and the mechanics of a bra. The wife finds my ineptness hilarious, she was rolling on the floor last night as I struggled with a multitude of hooks; I should really have passed her the valium.

For me, that was the least amusing moment of my life, and I`ve met Tim Lovejoy.

Whenever I feel depressed, I find the quotes of Ian Holloway are always therapeutic. The great man has been responsible for more quality lines than Pete Doherty.

The Plymouth manager`s mirth masks an underlying intelligence, like a beauty queen dying her hair ginger to fend off an unwanted suitor. I refuse to underestimate the modern day Socrates; I`m piling into Plymouth at 17/10 to knock out Watford.

The last time Middlesbrough met Manchester United, Gareth Southgate was quick to condemn Ronaldo`s propensity to greet the turf like a long lost relative.

Sir Alex was equally unequivocal in his counter, labelling the novice manager ‘naïve`, which as far as i`m aware, is not even a real word. There are an abundance of words that adequately sum up the 3/4 for another Manchester United win, I`ve settled for ‘pulchritudinous`.

It would not surprise me in the slightest if the contentious Ronaldo opened the scoring at 7/1. The orange winger is currently so hot; it would take a whole tub of Canesten to cool him down.

Chelsea`s grip on the Premiership has been loosened by the often maligned John O`Shea. Frank Lampard found it particularly ironic, as most of his goals have been assisted by John`s lesser known brother, Rick.

I`ve had a pop at Lamps in the past, but I must praise him for defending Adebayor in the aftermath of the Carling Cup. I`m not sure I believe his claim that he was never smacked; something must have given him the munchies. I`ll be taking the family out for a slap-up meal if Chelsea beat Tottenham at 4/9; they can even ‘go large`.

Jose Mourinho should steer clear of the card tables. The Special One looked completely bewildered as Shevchenko missed another sitter last week; the only way the Chelsea manager would ever win at poker is if he played the West Ham lads. A bet on Lampard to net the opener at 13/2 is the equivalent of getting your hands on a big pair.

Blackburn host Manchester City in a tie that has ‘home win` written all over it. The Rovers have already hammered Psycho`s gang twice this season; the odds of 19/20 would need to be lying seductively on a couch wearing a Velcro brassiere to be any more appealing.

Manchester City`s strike-force is so lightweight, wafer-thin model Kate Moss would be a clear favourite if they were ever to meet in a ruck. Blackburn are 6/5 to keep a clean sheet, dig in.

I`m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it`s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people.

Celtic are on a six match unbeaten run against Rangers; they look a cracking investment at 21/20 to continue their recent outright ownership. There`s a real lesson to be learned here, money earned from an FA Cup match is equal to money gained from park football.

The weekend accer is so inspiring; it makes me believe that one day all men will be free from discrimination, injustice and persecution for trying to lift a bra over a lady`s head. Chelsea, Blackburn, Plymouth and Celtic are the selections, the payout is an ample 12/1.

Weekend Betting:

Middlesbrough v Man Utd
Saturday 10th March 17:30
Live on BBC

Middlesbrough 5/1
Draw 13/5
Man Utd 3/4

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Ronaldo to score with a header 8/1

Chelsea v Tottenham
Sunday 11th March 12:45
Live on BBC One

Chelsea 4/9
Draw 3/1
Tottenham 7/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 4/1

Blackburn v Man City
Sunday 11th March 16:00
Live on Sky

Blackburn 19/20
Draw 23/10
Man City 10/3

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
Blackburn to win and keep a clean sheet 2/1

Plymouth v Watford
Sunday 11th March 18:00
Live on BBC One

Plymouth 17/10
Draw 23/10
Watford 8/5

Get on: Plymouth

Match Special:
Plymouth to score three or more goals 11/2

Celtic v Rangers
Sunday 11th March 12:30
Live on Setanta

Celtic 21/20
Draw 23/10
Rangers 10/3

Get on: Celtic

Match Special:
Nakamura to score direct from a free kick 8/1

By Gerry McDonnell